I had a doctor’s appointment on Monday. I left work at 1:00 for 1:30 appointment which should have taken no more than twenty minutes. I thought I’d have enough time for a coffee and maybe even go the speed limit for a change.
It happened to be 90 degrees and Patriots’ Day, which I forgot all about.
So there I was on the highway. At a standstill. Everyone was going to the beach. I’m used to beach traffic on Summer weekends, but a Monday? Never.
Well, over an hour later I arrived at my appointment. Lucky for me, everyone else was late as well, so I got right in.
I had a few minutes to myself and headed to downtown Newburyport for a cold drink and walk on the pier.
It was interesting. Here are my thoughts. Ready?
1. Muffin tops. You know which ones I am referring to. Yep, I hate to tell ya. Those shorts from last year don’t quite fit yet after a long Winter. You’ve got a little more work to do yet. Keep trying.
2. Ugly feet. Those piggies have been tucked into their Uggs for far too long it seems. Unpainted toes + really pale feet = unattractive. Oh, and lest we forget the dry cracked heels add a nice touch as well.
3. High school sweethearts. Handholding and stealing kisses by the seaside. Sweet. Although, shouldn’t you be in school?
4. Traffic. Need I say more?
5. Beach photos on Facebook. You do know that this is evidence you were not sick right?
6. Legs. Here I go again with the paleness. If paleness is not a word, it should be. Legs in April should be either covered up with clothing or sprayed with a tan in a can. It’s a simple solution. Either wait until you’ve got some sort of base tan or please put some clothes on.
7. Which brings me to the Tan in a Can. These can be tricky. If you don’t take the time and do it right you end up looking like a streaky, freaky oomph loompa (and you know how I feel about them). Please read the instructions and wash your hands. Orange palms are scary. Just sayin.
8. Sunburns. You do realize when you come into work on Tuesday, you have some ‘splainin to do, right? We know you went to the beach. We saw the pictures on Facebook Einstein (see #5).
9. Grouchy store clerks. There are several reasons for this. First is, they have to work. Can you blame them really? And second, because the air conditioning has yet to be turned on and they are stifling. And don’t forget they hate you because you are out enjoying the day and they are stuck at work. I’d be cranky too.
10. Bikinis. Where do I start? First of all, there aren’t many who can pull off wearing a two piece. Especially not in April. See point #1. and if pale legs don’t send you running, the sight of a severely overweight woman in a bikini with her white, dimply belly hanging out certainly will. Oh sorry, this goes for guys as well. Just because it is acceptable for a man to walk around without a shirt, doesn’t mean you should.